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Have you ever noticed that when you’re in a bad argument, you keep switching sides? One minute you’re the one being wronged. Next minute you’re the one doing the wronging. Five minutes later you’re trying to fix the whole thing. And then it loops. That isn’t random. There are three roles, and in a bad argument you cycle through all three of them, sometimes within the same five minutes. Once you can see the three roles, you can see yourself from above, and that is most of the way out....

Ask someone “who are you?” and watch what happens. Nine times out of ten, the answer is a job title, a role, or a relationship. “I’m a software engineer.” “I’m a mom.” “I’m the eldest.” “I’m a Catholic.” “I’m an ex-army guy.” All true. None of it is actually the answer. The question was who are you. The answer given was what you do. Those are different circles. Three circles +----------------------------+ | WHAT | | (what you do, your | | role, your rank, | | your results, your | | skills, your labels) | | | | +--------------------+ | | | HOW | | | | (how you feel, | | | | how you behave, | | | | how well you | | | | do what you do, | | | | how you think | | | | others see you) | | | | | | | | +------------+ | | | | | WHO | | | | | | (who you | | | | | | actually | | | | | | are, with | | | | | | no labels)| | | | | +------------+ | | | +--------------------+ | +----------------------------+ WHAT is the outer ring....

Here is a list of things people walk around with. Pick the ones that sound a bit like you, or a bit like somebody you know: “I need to be in control.” “I have to be perfect.” “I’m scared of what’s coming.” “Nobody really likes me.” “It’s not fair.” “I can’t take a break until it’s all done.” “I have to keep everyone happy.” “There’s no point in trying.” “I don’t deserve good things....

There is a story social scientists like to tell. It is probably apocryphal in its specifics. The shape of it is still exactly right. Five monkeys in a room. A ladder in the middle. Bananas at the top. A sprinkler on the ceiling, rigged to turn on and soak the whole room in freezing water the moment any monkey climbs the ladder. The first monkey tries. Freezing water hits everyone. Chaos....

Here is the uncomfortable thing about a limiting belief about yourself. Once it is installed, the world will keep handing you evidence that it is true. For years. For decades. Not because the world is unkind or the people in it are mean. Because of a specific loop that, once you can see it, is one of the most useful things to see. The loop has four stages. It runs in a circle, forever, until you deliberately interrupt it....